My Grand Illusions

MEME

I've seen this MEME floating around the blogosphere lately and I thought, eh, I haven't done one in a while and it's sort of fun to talk all about myself because ya know having a personal isn't all about that anyways.

1. Can you talk about "Mad Men?" I attempted watching this show a few times but it was sooo damnnnn slooow I couldn't get into it.

2. Can you talk about the "The Sopranos?" I've never seen even one episode.

3. Do you know who replaced Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right?" Sure, Drew Carey. The only reason I know this is because one of my co-workers (my brother's GF) sometimes watches The Price Is Right in the mornings when no clients are in the office.

4. Have you watched an Oprah show from beginning to end? MANY times.

5. Can you hold forth animatedly about yoga? Sure. I sort of love yoga although I don't do it often enough.

5. How about pilates? I may have tried pilates once or twice. I do, however, love the pilates reformer machine.

5. How about skiing? The last time I went skiing I went on a scary black hill and spent the whole time basically sliding down on my ass.

6. Mountain biking? Oh MAN. I LOVE my mountain bike and I love mountain biking and I am so looking forward to doing it again in Wales in LESS THAN A MONTH.

7. Do you know who Jimmie Johnson is? The first thing that popped into my head was the sausage guy? But that's Jimmy Dean, so uh, I have no idea who this Jimmie Johnson fella is.

8. Does the acronym MMA mean nothing to you? Mixed Martial Arts. I don't know why I know this.

9. Can you talk about books endlessly? I'm a book lover through and through. I think one of my dreams is to own a small bookstore that's got books from floor to ceiling.

10. Have you ever read a "Left Behind" novel? A client gave me the first one but I've never read it.

11. How about a Harlequin romance? Nope. I pass on those.

12. Do you take interesting vacations? In a few weeks I'll be flying to England, staying in Wales, heading to London for a few days, hiking the highest mountain in Scotland and trying to avoid the pickpockets in Barcelona. I'd say that's pretty interesting.

13. Do you know a great backpacking spot in the Sierra Nevada? Someday, perhaps.

14. What about an exquisite B&B overlooking Boothbay Harbor? Negative.

15. Would you be caught dead in an RV? If it means I get to travel places then sure.

16. Would you be caught dead on a cruise ship? Sure! I've been on a handful of cruises in my life and they were all pretty fun. I draw the line on more than a 7 day cruise, though. I need land.  

17. Have you ever heard of of Branson, Mo? Yes! And I've been for a family reunion years and years ago. I'll always remember it as the time Derick nearly drowned because the men weren't watching him and he fell into a boat slip and some random boater had to alert my family that my kid was drowning. Makes for a good family reunion story, right?

18. Have you ever attended a meeting of a Kiwanis Club? I'm not even sure what that is.

19. How about the Rotary Club? Nope.

20. Have you lived for at least a year in a small town? I guess you could say it was a small town. But really it's a 15 minute drive to downtown Fort Worth so I don't think it really counts.

21. Have you lived for a year in an urban neighborhood in which most of your neighbors did not have college degrees? No.

22. Have you spent at least a year with a family income less than twice the poverty line? How about the year I was first divorced, supporting my infant son on about $9,000 a year. I think probably qualifies.

23. Do you have a close friend who is an evangelical Christian? If I do they hide it well.

24. Have you ever visited a factory floor? Oh God no. And I bet if more people did there would be a lot more vegetarians in the world.

25. Have you worked on one? No.

{What an odd way to end a MEME, don't you think?}

Oh man! Mommy guilt!

The below post I actually wrote yesterday (Tuesday) but didn't finish it. I thought it would be interesting to see what I wrote while contemplating my delimna and how my thoughts have changed since I put into action my plan to solve this delimna:

So, Jackson started his new school last week and it's going well so far. I don't have much to report except that today is his second day and he didn't refuse to go, so that's a bonus and when I dropped him off this morning he waved at me and turned his back to me to play with the plastic dinosaurs he loves so much. This is a good sign and I should feel good that he seems to enjoy being there and let the mommy guilt go.

BUT I CAN'T.

You see, his old sitter was on the way to the gym so on the days I'd want to go the workout I'd pick him up and take him with me. Granted I'd drop him off at the gym daycare for an hour and go do my thing. But he was so close. Now? His new school is right by our house which means if I go get him and take him to the gym I'd be going backward which is a waste of time and money. Today I'm going to get off work, go the gym alone while he's at school and then go get him and I feel horribly guilty about this.

Someone slap me? Please?

It's not like I'm going to the local bar to do body shots with the regulars. I'm going to workout and take care of myself so I can be healthy and fit and happy. Why is there so much mommy guilt then?

So, that's the post I wrote before I headed out to the gym. As I was driving to my gym I felt awful for making my poor kid wait for me. While I selfishly plugged in my ear buds to my iPod and pushed the 'start' button the treadmill I imagined him waiting by the door with little tears in his eyes just counting the seconds until I walked in the door.

Normally I work out for an hour or a bit more but I allowed myself only 30 minutes because I figured with the rain and traffic that a 30 minute workout would get me sweating and feel like I've done something but I wouldn't be late to pick up Jackson before school closed.

Something interesting happened in those 30 minutes. I worked out harder than I normally do, so much so that I was a red-faced, sweaty mess when I arrived at Jackson's school. As I was running as fast as my legs would take me I kept an eye on the clock almost the entire time but I really took advantage of those precious 30 minutes I'd allotted myself. When my self-appointed time was up I high-tailed it out of there as fast as I could to get to Jackson's school.

I bet you can tell what happened when I got there. He was having a good time and hardly wanted to leave! He was just fine and could have cared less that I didn't get there immediately after work. My guilt was still hanging on, though, and I apologized to his teacher. She just laughed it off and said it was no big deal and that was that.

That was that. Huh. I had taken all that mental time feeling guilty and I had almost talked myself out of even going to the gym. I'm sure glad I didn't. Take THAT mommy guilt!

Forced

I've not been a very consistent blogger as of late, have I? When I open a fresh, new window to start writing about something, I've been feeling like whatever I write about will be forced. The few posts I've written lately were written with ease and little thought, which is the way I prefer to write a blog post. I don't like having to sit down, think of a topic, think some more, write a few words, mull it over, think some more, etc... I just like it to flow.

I went and saw Eat Pray Love this weekend and absolutely adored it. In my opinion it was leaps and bounds better than the book, which I never even finished because I couldn't stomach the words anymore. Perhaps it was because when I read it I was knee-deep in newborn baby spit-up trying to make a failing relationship work and I was in the wrong frame of mind. So, I'm watching this movie this weekend and I mentally wrote a blog post all about how I feel like the ideas in the movie relate to me and it just flowed.

Of course, when I sat down today to write all about it my mind sort of went blank. I know what I want to say but when it comes from my fingers it gets all jumbled up and the words just sort of plunk themselves in this little posting window and sound all wrong. Let's see if I can make this flow the right way.

Elizabeth, the main character, lost herself. Actually I think she never knew herself to begin with. Sure, she probably knew what her favorite color was and if she preferred a tropical vacation as opposed to one in the cold, bitter arctic. But she didn't know her real self. Her life revolved around others and not herself. Doesn't that seem to happen to women a lot? We define ourselves based on what our kid's or our spouses or our friends are and not who we are.

I identify with that. I went from being a teenager to being a mother in one fell swoop. I didn't have those years of finding out who I really was. These last few years I've been working through that mess of what I thought versus what I know. I thought I would never have the money to travel and see the world. Now I know that I just have to save the money and do it. I thought I wanted a big, fancy house with designer touches throughout. Now I know I'm happier when I have less stuff. I thought lots of things and I'm learning to know other things. I'm learning to know myself. And boy it's hard to get to know yourself, especially when you have children, a family, a job and other things moving in incessant circles around you.

Without leaving the country I'm doing the same things Elizabeth did. I'm wading through this life with no idea what I'm doing or how I'll get there but I'm trying to get there. I'm trying to find out who I really am. What makes me really happy. And what I want this life to be made of. Some days it's a boring existence, other days it's exhilarating. But one thing I know for sure is that I don't want it to be forced.

Did you see the movie? What did you think?

Quirks

I have a list of quirks about myself that's a mile long. As I was making coffee this morning I was reminded of one of them. I will make 5 cups of coffee on a Monday, drink one cup and stick the coffee pot in the fridge and just refill my cup each morning, heat it in the microwave and be on my way. I've told people that before and they look at me like I'm craaaaazy. I already knew I was so that's nothing new.

If I'm wearing tennis shoes I rarely untie them when I take them off. Literally I will struggle taking my shoes off if they are tied snuggly. This really makes no sense to me because I have to untie them to put them on the next time so it's not like I'm saving myself any time. I'm also probably ruining my shoes somehow.

While washing my face in the shower the other day I realized that I always wash it a certain way. If that certain way varies or changes I get all thrown off my routine and have to start all over again. Oh yes, I am craaaaaazy.

I have this odd thing I do that actually drives me crazy. When I'm driving and I see signs or billboards I count how many vowels are the words. Also, I put certain words in alphabetical order. This quirk actually made me go to the doctor's office once. I was literally too busy counting and alphabetizing that I wasn't paying attention to my driving. OCD, much? (Oh Internet, I MUST be nuts to tell you this one.)

When I type I always, always, always spell certain words wrong. Wierd, suprise, infromation, waht and a few others. I know how to spell these words but my brain, for whatever reason, cannot seem to spell these words properly. I thank the stars for spell check on a daily basis.

Since I got my iPhone I have the awful habit of playing solitaire or Mahjong while watching television. This is not technically a quirk of mine as opposed to an habit I need to break. I started doing this to keep my hands busy so I wouldn't stuff my face all night long.

Do you have quirks that you care to share? Tell me!