My Grand Illusions

My son, Derick

Today I bought a book that was recommended to me. This quote is THE reason I bought it...

"All parenting turns on a crucial question: to what extent parents should accept their children for who they are, and to what extent they should help them become their best selves."

My child, Derick, is struggling to the millionth degree and today we have a parent/teacher meeting so I can present the school with my son's psychological testing results. He's different that most kids. He's likely different than your kid and he's different my youngest kid and he's just different and I love this about him but I also really, really struggle with his differentness.

He thinks different than almost anyone I know and he makes me see the world in a different light. I feel in awe of his thought process often and, I won't lie, sometimes it makes me absolutely crazy that I formed this person who's just so different and WHY CAN'T WE SEE EYE TO EYE?!

I realize that's not a unique issue with teenage kids. What's unique with Derick is that he's just not doing well. He's in 10th grade for the 3rd time, he's actually supposed to graduate this year but it's definitely not happening. He's been diagnosed with a learning disability (again) along with depression and a few other things. He was diagnosed with a learning disability years ago but the school un-diagnosed him which I'm still confused about but there you have it.

I feel, too often, that I failed him. I can make a very long list of ways I think I failed Derick and what I should have done but didn't. Oh, parent guilt, it's awful, isn't it? But here we are and I can't go backward so we're looking forward and I'm putting together a team of people to help Derick keep thinking differently but also to think in a way that he can graduate high school. I fear changing him too much so he's not himself but I also fear not changing him enough so that he can't be successful. Where's the line that's drawn on those two? How do you reconcile normal and not normal and different and not different? These are my daily questions.

Reading a book isn't going to make the problem go away but maybe it can help me be a better mom to my different kid? Maybe. I just don't know and that not knowing is so hard, really hard. So. Here we are, moving forward and doing our best and fighting for my kid because he deserves to have people fight for him even when he can't fight for himself.

Happiness

I want thank everyone enough for the supportive and kind words you guys offered me on my last post about depression. A few weeks ago I woke up with that same dreadful feeling and I thought, this medication isn't working! Exercising isn't working! I'm officially broken, aren't I?

And then...

Then I woke up the next day and I felt a little less dread. The day after that I turned the car radio on and hummed along. The day after that I found myself singing along and feeling a twinge of that old familiar excitedeness to live life. Oh, it's not perfect yet (not that I expect perfect) and I've got a ways to go that's for sure but I feel like my old self is coming back together piece by piece.

I've been less snappy with my children and my husband and I feel like they are responding in kind. I started to exercise and got a pedometer to track my steps per day, I am eating better and getting more sleep and it's all coming together and I can feel that it's coming together.

Isn't been a spectacularly stressful last month or so with my children, they each are struggling in different areas of their lives and it, of course, makes me struggle with and for them. We're all lucky to have support systems that we're all leaning on heavily right now and as a collective group I just know my boys will come out on top. It just takes time. And those kids are worth my time and I'm worth my time so we just keep plugging along and working toward the goal of being healthy and happy.

Thank you guys for the kind wishes, it makes everything a little sweeter.

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This past weekend I went to New Orleans for The Blathering...It was spectacular and I expect to throw up a post about it very, very soon. I miss you all SO MUCH!

The thing is I know I should be happy.

I am surrounded by a million things to be happy about. I'm a newlywed, my husband should be immigrating in just a few short months (I hope!), my family is in good health, my boys are good kids that love me and make me smile, I have some of the very best friends you can ask for, I don't want for much of anything. And yet...

Last weekend I snapped at my mom about something that was a terrible thing to snap at her about and I felt so guilty afterward. Lately I've been going to bed really early...8:30 pm early but then I wake up randomly not able to sleep and toss and turn all night long. I make plans to see friends and family to do things and I just dread having to go and have considered cancelling each time. I'm sure I've been snappy and moody at my loved ones more often than normal. And I just feel like I don't belong in my own skin. It's the worst. This little feeling of dread just lingers everyday and I can't put my finger on why.

A history of depression is in my family and I've always know about it. It's no secret and the women who suffer from it are very open and honest about it which makes it much easier when I realize I'm slipping away into that depression myself. One of the women in my family has suffered with depression for perhaps longer than I've been alive. She fell to a very bottomless pit and managed to get well and function again and you'd never know that she's got even the smallest amount of depression. She's my hero in a thousand ways and this way especially.

After I'd snapped at my mom I started to thinking, "Oh maybe I'm just tired" which lead to the realization that I've had very little energy and motivation to do anything these days. I haven't exercised, really, in months. Eating well is a low priority and I've gained a few pounds which always sucks. Then I went on to think about my movie plans later than evening with a friend and how much I just really wanted to cancel even though I was the one who initiated those plans and BAM! it hit me.

I've done this before.

Despite all these wonderful happy things and having a pretty darn good life if I do say so myself sometimes you just can't beet depression, it's not picky about who it chooses. Depression doesn't look at you and say "You're a pretty neat lady and you've got it made...I'll pass on you today". Nope, it just quietly tip toes in and makes its self at home. What a jerk move, huh?

Without hesitation I scheduled a doctors appointment and spent a good chunk of time talking to my doctor who is just so wonderful and patient and understanding. She prescribed exercise, "Let those endorphins work for you!", she said and she also gave me a prescription for an anti depressant. I have a three week trial period to see how things work for me and my doctor is confident that I'll be my old self in no time.

In the meantime I wanted to share my not-so-unique story to all of the Internet because I want to tell anyone who's struggling or suffering that it's OK to ask for help. It's ok to lean on your family and friends and your doctors now and again.

I apologized to my mother, told my best friend and had a long conversation with my husband about my feelings and how it was affecting me. They were all supportive and wonderful and with the aid of some much-needed exercise, their support and a little medication I think I'll be back to appreciating all these wonderful things I've got in my life...just like I should be doing.

I'm ready to be happy again and I'll do whatever it takes to get there.

A genius way to organize

Part of mushing two adults together into one home is making room. Other than about a year when Jackson's dad lived with us I've been the only adult in my house and I've only had to worry about my own things in my bedroom. I used every inch of closet space and every dresser drawer was crammed with stuffto within an inch of its life. I never really needed to find space for anyone but myself. Well...I went and got married and now I've got to fit my husband into my crammed bedroom. I don't want to just carve out a few inches for him here and there, I want him to feel like he's part of our house and has how own space to do with what he likes. Unfortunately, for me, that means I have to find him some space.

Backing up a few months...

Duvain was folding ordinary t-shirts and putting them into an empty drawer I'd cleared for him and he mentioned something about folding his shirts a certain way so he could see them all and they took up less space. I glanced at the shirts in question and I remember thinking, "Oh, that's a pretty good idea", but then it promptly left my line of thinking.

Fast forward to a few days ago...

I was browsing Pinterest and came across a post that showed a picture of the exact way Duvain had folded his shirts. All of the sudden that short conversation we'd had about folding t-shirts came back to me. Since I'm knee-deep in trying to find some space for Duvain this could not have come at a better time.

Y'all, my life is forever changed. My t-shirt drawer went from this:

To this:

I had so much space left over that I emptied my tank top drawer (I have a tank top obsession) and now have an empty drawer!

I decided that if I could do this with t-shirts and tanks surely I could organize my workout gear. It was a GIANT mess. I'd tried to organize it but when you're looking for a specific item and it's at the bottom of the stack it's nearly impossible to not make a mess. I ended up having enough spare room that I added my sports bras on the left and I have room enough to hold things like my water bottles, special hair ties or other running/working out items I want to keep handy.

All the workout tank tops are on the right, then short-sleeved tops followed by long-sleeved tops. I put shorts, capris and pants in a similar order after the shirts. Now if I want a tank top and workout pants I can see them in the blink of an eye and pull them out without making a huge mess.

Am I late to the drawer organizing party? I feel like this really has changed the game for me. I can't wait to go and organize the rest of my drawers. I feel like this small change can really make a huge difference in the way I shop (I realized I don't need ANOTHER black tank top, I have 4!) to the way I get ready for the day (Since I can see everything I won't have to hunt around for that specific shirt I can never seem to find).

I think perhaps my hunky husband might have a little more space after I'm all done organizing. Good news for him!

Have you done this or are you going to do it now? I hope I've passed along a great tip that will help you, too.

 

Happenings

It's been an eventful last few weeks. Actually it's been an eventful last few months and years! But the last few weeks have been good ones...

Both my boys started school at the end of August. I forced them both to pose for photos, as you can tell. Jackson was pleased to bust out his cheesy grin and I was shocked to get Derick to even crack a little smile for me. Jackson started kindergarten which we all know is a BIG DEAL and he was so excited to go to school, I hope that excitement lasts. Derick, well, he should have been starting his senior year of school but he's been "lazy" ( his word) and he's re-taking several 10th and 11th grade classes. But he seems to be doing better this year so hopefully he'll get back on track quickly.

Jackson was just SO THRILLED to start kindergarten. I walk him into school everyday and pick him up everyday. I'm really fortunate that my employer (hi Mom and Dad!) are very flexible with me and my schedule so I'm able to be there to get him after school each day and hang out with both my boys in the afternoon and I just love being able to do that for/with them. Jackson and I really like his teacher, she's just a lovely woman. I even baked her cookies last week I like her so much!

I just celebrated my 35th birthday on September 3rd. I am not entirely sure how I made it to 35 so fast but I'm here and honestly, it's not too bad! I feel 25, look like I'm 22 (just agree with me!) and have so, so many good things and people surrounding me that I feel immensely lucky to have made it this far in life in relatively one piece.

Now that I'm 35 and officially a REAL adult I decided to skip next months book club pick. The subject matter of divorce just doesn't really appeal to me especially since I'm a newly married lady. I've skipped only one other book club pick this year because I was super busy at work so I sort of feel like I'm cheating on my ladies by intentionally skipping this book but thankfully I have some awesome book club friends who could care less. I'm reading a different book instead that I'm quite enjoying.

Duvain and I got a wedding gift we registered for last week and I will tell you I was SO EXCITED because we literally had only gotten one of our registered gifts before we got these Crate and Barrel dishes. (Note to potential brides...etiquette says not to include registry information in your wedding invitations but if you don't you'll likely get things you don't want. Lesson learned.)

Lastly...

Duvain's 40th birthday is in February and he's talked about seeing the Northern Lights as THE thing he'd like to do to celebrate. Unfortunately February is smack dab in the middle of tax season so I can't take a long trip but I've managed to squeeze a few days off (again, thanks Mom and Dad!) to make Duvain's birthday wish come true. We are researching and planning a trip to...

Iceland! I'm super excited about! I was thinking we'd meet in the middle between Texas and Wales. I realize this isn't really a location in the middle but it's a good compromise. The temperature in iceland is balls-cold during February so I'll just have to remember to bring an extra warm pair of gloves and a fuzzy hat. If you know much about Iceland and care to share tips or info I'd be grateful...

I"m off to go researching how to survive in a place called ICELAND OMG I'VE LOST MY MIND.

 

We did it, we got married!

I'll be totally honest here. I've said for many years that I'd never, ever get married. It's just the worst idea on the planet, that getting married business. No thank you very much, I thought. And since I'm being honest I still don't think that idea of marriage is a great one but (there's always a but, isn't there?) I discovered a secret that perhaps everyone else already knew. Marriage isn't just a blanket thing that's to be liked or not liked. It's only a great idea when you find that one person who makes you want to do better and be better and you can't imagine life without them. Turns out I just needed my person to make me want to get married.

Internet, you've probably seen a zillion photos and heard more than you ever wanted to hear about him, but I'd like to formally introduce you to my husband, Duvain. He's the man who keeps me on my toes and makes my heart beat a little faster everytime I see him. He's the man who changed my mind about marriage and taught me new ways to see the world. He gave me his last name and I couldn't be happier about it.

Planning a wedding in another country with my other half in the country already proved to be a little more difficult that I had thought it would be. We didn't have a reception space picked until we were less than 2 weeks from THE day, we hadn't even met our photographer until about a week before the day and some of the men (Duvain) waited till 5 days before the wedding to get suits. To say I was stressed was an under statement. But, we pulled it together and it went of without (much of) a hitch. Duvain is filled with faith that all things will work out and he was right, of course. He grounds me in the best ways, ways I need to be grounded.

I had 13 people from this side of the pond attend our wedding and I couldn't have been more excited to have them there. How fortunate I was that such a great group of people could be there with us. We both realize what goes into traveling across the world and it meant so much that these people were able to make it happen. The friends and family who couldn't make it, far and near, were definitely missed and we raised a glass to honor everyone who couldn't be there. (A special bloggy THANK YOU to Jess and Willy who came all the way to Wales to celebrate!)

Duvain and I had the best day. I'm not sure I can put it into the appropriate words how I really feel about the day, corny phrases are all that come to mind and lord know you don't want to hear those. Let's just say that I choose the right man and I hope to be the best wife I can be. I love my new husband and I'm just so damn lucky he's mine.  

My family...my heart skips a beat every time I see this photo.

I love you Duvain with all that I am. We make a great team and I know we'll be the best teammates there ever were.

Let the good times roll!

Of Course I Said Yes!

With the help of the prompt Postal Service delivery and the magic of FaceTime Duvain proposed to me yesterday morning. I was half asleep and looking awful but it didn't matter because this man made my day, my LIFE even. We couldn't be happier and we're looking forward to making plans to live an adventurous life together. TOGETHER!  

He was going to wait until he was here in May to propose but he said "Why wait when I'd made up my mind that it's what I wanted to do". He took a chance and mailed my beautiful ring to me not knowing when it would arrive, if it even would arrive at all, what day or time or condition it would arrive...it was a symbol of our relationship, never really knowing what the outcome will be. We cross our fingers and hope it all works out and in nearly 2 1/2 years it always has.

After opening several "decoy" presents including a silly Scrabble tile ring I had NO IDEA I was opening a ring box with THE RING. I sort of clammed up and became speechless...

Then I promptly fell over in my bed. Those are my pink PJ bottoms! Duvain was laughing like crazy!

After I got my wits about me I just didn't know what on earth to say or do. (You can see the Scrabble tile ring I'd slipped on my finger just moments before I opened my engagement ring.) I was tearing up and at a total loss. I said to Duvain "You're going to have to say something! I don't know what to say!"

I put my new beautiful ring on as Duvain told me the story of the ring and the ringbox. It was given to him by his mother just for me and it belonged to her Grandmother and that's when I lost it. That box means just as much to me as the ring itself.

We both said YES!! to each other and I clapped and hollered as loud as I could! I nearly screamed out my front door that I was marrying the best man I knew.

This guy! He's MY person I've been working my way to for 34 years. I'm such a lucky lady, really I am. We're going to have the BEST time, I just know it.

I love and adore you Duvain, I couldn't be happier, not in a million years. Thank you for taking me on as your project...we're going to be the best team ever. Team D1 and D2!

I get why people marry and fall in love. It took me a while to get there but it makes total sense now. We have the outcome I've been hoping for and we have SO MUCH to look forward to. I finally found MY person and I simply can't wait to create a beautiful life together.

Happy Valentines Day

Duvain suggested that we have a FaceTime date yesterday for Valentines Day which I thought was so romantic. We both made food (I made lunch and he made his dinner) and we both had candles to light. Promptly at 12:30 pm he FaceTimed me and then it all fell apart and quickly. The funny thing about FaceTime is it's only cool if it works properly. I'm guessing the weather in Wales was rough last night so the connection was bad and we got maybe 15 seconds of having a clear connection. Between the freezing frames, his candle not staying lit because he was outside in the wind and not being able to really talk because there was a terrible lag our romantic "date" didn't happen. I came so close to crying my eyes out* because it was such a sweet gesture and a great idea for us to do something together and it sucked that it didn't work out.

Next year, perhaps?

I decided to leave work a little early yesterday because I was feeling a little low and also because I decided to take my boys out for dinner to celebrate them being my valentines day dates. It was a really nice evening with them that I think all three of us needed, especially with all the working I've been doing. We went to Five Guys which worked well for our little vegan/vegetarian/meat-eater family of three. We chowed down on veggies burgers, grilled cheese, double meat burgers and a boatload of french fries.

Have you been to Five Guys? If not they have a container of shelled peanuts right by where you order your food so you can scoop up some peanuts and snack on them while you're waiting. Jackson was excited to eat some peanuts and I guess in his 5 years of life no one ever taught him to eat shelled peanuts because he picked up a shelled peanut and took a big bite and looked so confused about it. Derick and I laughed and laughed at the poor kid and I finally decided I'd teach him to shell a peanut. It's funny to me to teach my kids something that I've known for years. I forget sometimes that they weren't born knowing all the little things I take for granted.

After dinner I took my valentines to get small gifts at Walmart. (I prefer Target but Walmart was closer and I was too lazy to drive all the way to Target.) Jackson got a dinosaur toy and Derick discovered the $5 movies so he picked up The Neverending Storyand some horror movie and decided to keep the leftover $5. For some silly reason I ended up buying myself Rocky 1-4 for a total of $10. I blame it on Duvain for making me watch a Rocky documentary when he was here. I was feeling nostalgic!

We ended our really nice evening with a stop to get some frozen yogurt. Even thought it snowed two days ago the weather yesterday was great for from FroYo.

Jackson basically put all the choices he could find in his cup.

It was generally a really nice day and other than the glitch with FaceTime I enjoyed this valentines day.

I hope you and yours have a lovely, wonderful day. Happy belated V-Day!

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*What is with this crying thing? I'm not a girl that cries until recently over the last year or two. Is this what happens when you get older? I nearly cry at happy things, sad things, confusing things, funny things. ALL THE THINGS I CRY OVER. What is this all about?

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

The last week in particular has been stressful, scary, sad, depressing, infuriating and a tangled mess of emotions. Derick's not doing well and keeps making these choices that makes me fear for his future as a productive member of society. He can't see it even though it's right in front of his face. He can't see that he's making decisions that, day by day, are determining his fate as an adult. Isn't that the way? Kids can't see the future so they make choices that only impact that very minute or that very day. Next week? Next year? In ten years? Nope, there's a very large screen in place that keeps kids in the dark, at least some (many?) of them.

I was a kid like that. Making all these stupid, ridiculous choices that changed the course of my life forever. Oh man, you guys, I'm sorry I put you through all that. If you're even half as anxiety ridden as I am then holy god I feel terrible for being such a selfish kid with no regard that all you guys ever really wanted for me was to be happy and healthy and to succeed in life. It's such a simple thing and I couldn't grasp it. Derick can't seem to either.

When you're a teenager you really just can't see the ramifications of your actions and when you do catch a glimpse of them you push them aside because who really cares, it's YOUR life and YOUR problems, not your parents, right? WRONG. A thousand times wrong.

I'm sorry for calling you names and screaming things I wouldn't scream to my worst enemy. I'm sorry I ran away and scared you half to death. I'm sorry I did all those terrible, selfish things. Neither of you deserved it, not one single time and oh boy do I feel terrible about it all.

I bet you guys know this, because parents really are smarteven though I didn't think so then, but I felt so safe and secure that I had your unconditional love that it felt like no matter how awful I was to you both I ALWAYS knew you'd have my back and be there if I really needed you. And you were! ALWAYS! It's amazing that you didn't give up me. Actually, it's not amazing. It's exactly what I knew you'd always do. You aren't the kind of parents that gave up on us kids even when we surely didn't deserve an ounce of compassion.

I'm so fortunate that I had/have you as my parents, really I am. I know that I can make it through this really rough patch with Derick and I know that we'll be ok because I have such a great example to follow.

So, thank you and I'm sorry. I couldn't have asked for a better set of parents, not in my wildest dreams. Thank you for being there for me always and forever. If I had a medal or a zillion dollars or the greatest gift I could find I'd give it to you both.

You deserve it 1000%

Love,

Kristie (your favorite daughter, HAHA)

(Look at them all dolled up for a ballroom dancing competition!)

Happy Birthday Bobee*!!

Today my sweet boy, my youngest son, turns 5 years old. FIVE YEARS OLD HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

(He took a self portrait with my iPhone, smart kid!)

Yesterday I took him to pick out his birthday cake for his class party at school and he had the best time looking at all the photos trying to pick the best one. "Scobby Doo! That's the one I want! Oh wait! Transformers! That's the cake I want! Pokemon! Yes, I'll take that one!" After picking several different cakes he finally settled on a really cool looking dinosaur cake with a fake volcano. As soon as I flipped the page to the dinosaur cake he was sold. "A DINOSAUR CAKE! I want a dinosaur cake please!" I flipped through more pages to see if he'd change his mind and he got very excited about the Spider Man but then promptly said "I still want the dinosaur cake, I'm just looking". Dinosaurs have been a constant in Jackson's short little 5 years. He loves them so much and I got a little excited when I found the coolest dinosaur I'd ever seen to give him.

(At the Dallas Zoo where he was a little afraid of the birds flying around.)

Jackson also loves dragons, especially the Welsh Dragon, Lightning McQueen, his "baby computer", stickers of all kinds and he's really into Scooby Doo also. He's never met a Hot Wheel he didn't like and has them all neatly lined up on his window in his room. He likes all the typical things that boys his age like but it's so cool to see my kid play with those toys.

(Clean and ready for bed in his footy jammies.)

Sometimes Jackson will let out a gerat big sigh and say "I love you, mommy" which just melts my heart as you can imagine it would. He loves to "decorate" his bed with all sorts of blankets, pillows and stuffed animals. Showing of his decorating skills is quite exciting to him. He's my little adventurer and told me last weekend that he wanted to "see the whole world" and I told him I hoped he could see it all. He loves hiking with me and helping me cook while wearing his special apron and standing on his step stool. Going to the movies and chowing down on popcorn is the best to him and he looks forward to "stay at home days" so we can hang out.

(Exploring near our home.) 

He's just such a great kid and I can't believe that I got him as mine. How lucky am I?! I look forward to watching him grow more and more and learn and explore everyday. It's a joy having Jackson as my kid and I couldn't ask for any more.

Happy birthday Jackson! I love you my sweet Bobee!

(Checking out the water by our home. We threw rocks and sticks in the water!)

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Bobee is a nickname that Jackson has had for as long as I can remember. It started as baby boy and morphed it's way into Bobee (rhymes with adobe). I even has his nickname tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. Who knows how long he'll let us call him that but I intend on calling Bobee for as long as possible.