My Grand Illusions

Happiness

I want thank everyone enough for the supportive and kind words you guys offered me on my last post about depression. A few weeks ago I woke up with that same dreadful feeling and I thought, this medication isn't working! Exercising isn't working! I'm officially broken, aren't I?

And then...

Then I woke up the next day and I felt a little less dread. The day after that I turned the car radio on and hummed along. The day after that I found myself singing along and feeling a twinge of that old familiar excitedeness to live life. Oh, it's not perfect yet (not that I expect perfect) and I've got a ways to go that's for sure but I feel like my old self is coming back together piece by piece.

I've been less snappy with my children and my husband and I feel like they are responding in kind. I started to exercise and got a pedometer to track my steps per day, I am eating better and getting more sleep and it's all coming together and I can feel that it's coming together.

Isn't been a spectacularly stressful last month or so with my children, they each are struggling in different areas of their lives and it, of course, makes me struggle with and for them. We're all lucky to have support systems that we're all leaning on heavily right now and as a collective group I just know my boys will come out on top. It just takes time. And those kids are worth my time and I'm worth my time so we just keep plugging along and working toward the goal of being healthy and happy.

Thank you guys for the kind wishes, it makes everything a little sweeter.

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This past weekend I went to New Orleans for The Blathering...It was spectacular and I expect to throw up a post about it very, very soon. I miss you all SO MUCH!

We did it, we got married!

I'll be totally honest here. I've said for many years that I'd never, ever get married. It's just the worst idea on the planet, that getting married business. No thank you very much, I thought. And since I'm being honest I still don't think that idea of marriage is a great one but (there's always a but, isn't there?) I discovered a secret that perhaps everyone else already knew. Marriage isn't just a blanket thing that's to be liked or not liked. It's only a great idea when you find that one person who makes you want to do better and be better and you can't imagine life without them. Turns out I just needed my person to make me want to get married.

Internet, you've probably seen a zillion photos and heard more than you ever wanted to hear about him, but I'd like to formally introduce you to my husband, Duvain. He's the man who keeps me on my toes and makes my heart beat a little faster everytime I see him. He's the man who changed my mind about marriage and taught me new ways to see the world. He gave me his last name and I couldn't be happier about it.

Planning a wedding in another country with my other half in the country already proved to be a little more difficult that I had thought it would be. We didn't have a reception space picked until we were less than 2 weeks from THE day, we hadn't even met our photographer until about a week before the day and some of the men (Duvain) waited till 5 days before the wedding to get suits. To say I was stressed was an under statement. But, we pulled it together and it went of without (much of) a hitch. Duvain is filled with faith that all things will work out and he was right, of course. He grounds me in the best ways, ways I need to be grounded.

I had 13 people from this side of the pond attend our wedding and I couldn't have been more excited to have them there. How fortunate I was that such a great group of people could be there with us. We both realize what goes into traveling across the world and it meant so much that these people were able to make it happen. The friends and family who couldn't make it, far and near, were definitely missed and we raised a glass to honor everyone who couldn't be there. (A special bloggy THANK YOU to Jess and Willy who came all the way to Wales to celebrate!)

Duvain and I had the best day. I'm not sure I can put it into the appropriate words how I really feel about the day, corny phrases are all that come to mind and lord know you don't want to hear those. Let's just say that I choose the right man and I hope to be the best wife I can be. I love my new husband and I'm just so damn lucky he's mine.  

My family...my heart skips a beat every time I see this photo.

I love you Duvain with all that I am. We make a great team and I know we'll be the best teammates there ever were.

Let the good times roll!

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

The last week in particular has been stressful, scary, sad, depressing, infuriating and a tangled mess of emotions. Derick's not doing well and keeps making these choices that makes me fear for his future as a productive member of society. He can't see it even though it's right in front of his face. He can't see that he's making decisions that, day by day, are determining his fate as an adult. Isn't that the way? Kids can't see the future so they make choices that only impact that very minute or that very day. Next week? Next year? In ten years? Nope, there's a very large screen in place that keeps kids in the dark, at least some (many?) of them.

I was a kid like that. Making all these stupid, ridiculous choices that changed the course of my life forever. Oh man, you guys, I'm sorry I put you through all that. If you're even half as anxiety ridden as I am then holy god I feel terrible for being such a selfish kid with no regard that all you guys ever really wanted for me was to be happy and healthy and to succeed in life. It's such a simple thing and I couldn't grasp it. Derick can't seem to either.

When you're a teenager you really just can't see the ramifications of your actions and when you do catch a glimpse of them you push them aside because who really cares, it's YOUR life and YOUR problems, not your parents, right? WRONG. A thousand times wrong.

I'm sorry for calling you names and screaming things I wouldn't scream to my worst enemy. I'm sorry I ran away and scared you half to death. I'm sorry I did all those terrible, selfish things. Neither of you deserved it, not one single time and oh boy do I feel terrible about it all.

I bet you guys know this, because parents really are smarteven though I didn't think so then, but I felt so safe and secure that I had your unconditional love that it felt like no matter how awful I was to you both I ALWAYS knew you'd have my back and be there if I really needed you. And you were! ALWAYS! It's amazing that you didn't give up me. Actually, it's not amazing. It's exactly what I knew you'd always do. You aren't the kind of parents that gave up on us kids even when we surely didn't deserve an ounce of compassion.

I'm so fortunate that I had/have you as my parents, really I am. I know that I can make it through this really rough patch with Derick and I know that we'll be ok because I have such a great example to follow.

So, thank you and I'm sorry. I couldn't have asked for a better set of parents, not in my wildest dreams. Thank you for being there for me always and forever. If I had a medal or a zillion dollars or the greatest gift I could find I'd give it to you both.

You deserve it 1000%

Love,

Kristie (your favorite daughter, HAHA)

(Look at them all dolled up for a ballroom dancing competition!)

A new direction (photo blogging)

I have lost the blog love lately. Obviously. I just can't get into writing a long-winded post about happenings around me and my loved ones. I feel like my Twitter stream and Facebook account are doing the talking for me so I've neglected this site for far too long. I decided to take this blog in a different direction.

I have no problem whatsoever taking photos all day long. I have my trusty iPhone that I adoreand all the photo apps that go along with it so why not use those to help me blog? I think I'll try posting photos that I find interesting, funny, informational, or just plan 'ol pretty. Words don't flow easily for me as they do for some people and I don't want to feel like I have to blog. I think this might be a great way to talk about things in a fun way that I'll remember down the line.

Who knows what I'll be posting. Today is all about going to see the place where my brother and future sister-in-law are getting married. Tomorrow might be a picture of a Lego sculpture that Jackson makes for me. If I make a particularly tasty snack I might feel so inclined to show the Internet. That's the great thing about having your very own blog...redesigning, changing, evolving and adapting are all things I can do when ever I feel like it.

So here goes...

Two nights ago Duvain and I went with my brother, Patrick, and his future wife, Brittany, to see the location they're getting married at next June. The location was having an open house with free champagne (yippee!) and free food (double yippee!). It was really nice to see where the girl's would be getting ready for the big day and where the ceremony would take place. The sparkly chandeliers and juliet balcony won me over.

Also, the photo booth won me over big time. Everyone should have one at their wedding.

 
We put our props on for our photo booth photos.

 
I really loved the mashed potato bar. Apparently potato bars are all the rage? Really? That's so 1970's I thought. Everything old is new again I suppose.

 
The poor waiters and waitress's probably shuddered when they realized how many glasses of champagne we were grabbing as they walked by. I swear we must have grabbed 2 glasses each and every time one of them walked by. Multiply that by about 5 and you can imagine how our heads felt the next morning.

 
Duvain and Patrick grabbed so many glasses of champagne that they had to consolidate. Greedy bastards.

 
Posing in front of the Bride's suite gigantic mirror.

The wedding isn't until June 2012 but I was happy to have the mental images of where it would take place. Also, I was happy to drink free champagne.

Vacation, Part 2 (Barcelona)

If you missed it you can go read about Part 1 of my vacation.

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Our time in Scotland was really nice but also tiring. You wouldn't believe how much energy it takes to sleep in below freezing temperatures. When we got back home to Duvain's house (or flat as he calls it) we chilled for a few days to gear up for a trip to Barcelona, Spain. It was a little surreal thinking that we were going to Barcelona because it was never a planned thing that we talked about until my Mom brought it up.

My parents, Grandma and Aunt had planned a 12 day cruise earlier in the year that included a couple days stay in Barcelona. When they decided to leave town I thought it might be a good time to also leave town to visit The UK. I happened to be out shopping with my Mom one random Saturday 2 months or so before we all were leaving for our separate destinations when I happened to check my e-mail on my phone and saw that Duvain had forwarded me an e-mail showing flight prices to different locations by him. We had often talked about how I think it's so cool that for hardly any money he can fly to so many different countries because of his location and it's not like that for me. I read the cost of different flights to my Mom and happened to say Barcelona and how cheap it was and that's how the plan was started. She thought it would be so cool for Duvain and me to meet all of them halfway across the world and I had to agree that I thought that would be a great way to add to this already insane adventure.

So, Duvain and I packed a few days worth of clothes and headed to the airport only to discover, after sitting on the airplane for nearly TWO HOURS, that our flight had been cancelled because we just happened to pick the one day where all the Spanish air traffic controllers went on strike. Thankfully we had many places to call home so we weren't stuck in the airport like so many other people. I won't lie, that day was a bad day and isn't even worth mentioning much about. We were stranded, Duvain was sick and I was in a bad mood. It was the perfect storm for disaster. I thought we wouldn't make it on the plane the next day for several reasons. (Relationships are hard shit, am I right?) We did, however, make it on the plane and we spent 3 glorious days taking in Spain and it was lovely. Really lovely.

When I travelled to visit Duvain earlier in the year we took a side trip to Paris and I have to say that I like Barcelona so much more which completely surprised me. I had always wanted to visit Paris, it was a dream of mine and it really took me by utter surprise that I loved Barcelona so much more. The atmosphere is so much more laid back and colorful. I loved the hell out of it! We really tried to take in as many sights as we possibly could...

Barcelona Cathedral This cathedral was set among cobbled streets with interesting shops and tons of tourists. I especially loved the geese that lived within the Cathedral. The ancestors of those geese are said to have been there for 5 centuries!

 
(Geese inside Barcelona Cathedral)

La Rambla is a "tree-lined pedestrian street" that houses shops, restaurants and any kind of street performer that you can think of. There were people dressed as all sorts of characters, strange and interesting. It's a lively street that I enjoyed walking down.

(Me with a random street performer.)

 
(Duvain at the beginning of La Rambla.)

Casa Batllo was simply stunning. It's a house that was conceptualized and built by Antoni Gaudi. There are no straight walls in the entire building, the woodwork is beautiful and you can see nature in every single nook and cranny of his building. It was like walking into a dream land. I was ready and willing to move right in!

 
(Casa Batllo at night)

 
(Duvain in the back garden listening to the audio tour.)

 
(Part of the chimney. I need a fancy chimney like this!)

Sagrada Familia. I'm not particularly religious and I'm not often wooed by churches, buildings and the like but this place made me break out in goosebumps several times. If you go to Barcelona PLEASE GO HERE. This church was also designed by Antoni Gaudi and the nature theme is thick here. The support beams inside the church look like tree limbs and the ceiling looks like the canopy of a forest. It's an utter dream world that only the very talented and perhaps a little crazy could imagine in their head and then make a reality. Duvain and I paid the 2 Euros each to ride the elevator to the top of one of the spires and then we walked down the spiral staircase.I really enjoyed the vast view of Barcelona from the top of the church.

We also sat in the pews for about 10 minutes and at one point I closed my eyes and just listened to the sounds surrounding me. Despite that fact that there were hundreds of other tourists there the sound was one of calm and peace. It's hard to describe. I didn't necessarily feel God but I felt something bigger than life while I was sitting there. This was THE most amazing building I've ever been inside, EVER. Gaudi knew he would never live to see the completion of this church (it's been in the works for 129 years) and was quoted as saying: “My client is not in a hurry", meaning God. I just love that.

 
(A view of Barcelona while walking down the spiral staircase inside the church.)

 
(Entrance of Sagrada Familia.)

 
(The very bottom of the exceptionally spiral-y staircase. )

 
(Part of the ceiling. This photo, of course, doesn't do justice to the beauty and sheer genius of this ceiling but it can give you an idea.)

Other places we visited were the Picasso Museum and Arco de Triunfo de Barcelona and the gardens surrounding it. Did you know that wild parakeets are prevalent in Barcelona?! This may sound daft, as Duvain would say, but I've only seen parakeets in cages in someones home or in a pet store so I was in utter amazement that these gorgeous bright green birds were flying around freely with their bird buddies. I tell you, THIS is why I travel. To see new things and open my mind to what really is and not what is manufactured for me by a pet store, or movie or whatever. I must have watched those birds for 20 minutes just marvelling at the simple act of them being there flying around.

 
(Dinner with my family! In Barcelona! This was literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.)

 
(Outside Sagrada Familia with the largest cotton candy I've ever laid eyes on. It was delicious.)

 
(Pretending to ride on one of the rent-a-bike's. We wanted to ride on them but couldn't figure out how and neither of us read Catalan or Spanish.)

Barcelona was a lovely and lively place that I'd love to go back to again to see the things we missed. If you get a chance you should go! I highly recommend!

After our short time in Spain we were thawed out a little and had drank enough Sangria to keep us happy but it was time to board another plane and fly back to The UK. Our adventures weren't over just yet.

To be continued... 

There's something about them

There's something about my boys that, when they do or say certain things, takes my breath away. I find myself laughing at the odd things they do. I giggle uncontrollably when one of them does a silly thing. I fall in love with those boys of mine when I check on them sleeping. I do that almost every night.

These boys are worlds apart. One's a moody teenager and one's a curious toddler. I have one foot in Hot Topic and one foot in Toys R Us. I watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the morning and South Park at night. I fold tiny little socks and giant man-sized socks. I mark one boy's height on the wall and I stand back-to-back with the other to see exactly how much taller he is than me.

My youngest son does the bulk of his getting from point A to point B by running at full speed. The oldest son walks at a snail's pace, proving that his boredom of this business called walking knows no bounds. My toddler lights up when a plastic dinosaur is within 100 yards of him and my teenager get that's slight grin and talks really, really fast when he's discovered a new band. Once, he got so excited about discovering Ozzy Osbourne and wanted to know if I'd heard of him. When he found out I used to actually talk to the members of Blue October at every single concert, before they were big, he told all of his friends about it. I was cool for a while. There's something about being cool for a while.

Both my boys loved reading "Go Dog Go" and that tree, the one at the very end, is part of the inspiration for a new tattoo.

I worry that my baby will never stop having potty accidents and I worry that my oldest will try and give up on high school.

There's something about hearing your youngest son laugh so loud when you blow raspberries in his hand that makes you laugh loud, too. There's something, also, about hearing your teenager's crackling voice say he loves you almost every time you hang up the phone that makes your heart happy.

There's something about those guys of mine. Definitely. There's something about being their mom.

I'm back home, where it's a thousand degrees outside but I don't have to walk a thousand miles a day.

I'm back from NYC! It was a lovely week-long vacation filled with LOADS of walking, lots of great food, excellent company and not nearly enough sleep. I'm currently catching up on my sleep (and my DVR) as much as possible. I took a delicious nap yesterday that I really needed. Also, my feet are less mad at me for walking less now that I'm home. My feet, lordy, the poor things were ON FIRE until I bought a proper pair of tennis shoes. You'd think that since I've been to NYC two other times that I'd know better but nooooo, I had to bring a cute pair of shoes instead of shoes that functioned to keep my feet so I could walk without a limp and 97 blisters. Lesson learned.

   
(With The Naked Cowboy. He said to me "everything really is bigger in Texas" and I'm not sure if that was a compliment or if he's saying I'm fat.)

The hotel I ended up getting was in New Rochelle, about a 30 minute train ride into the city. I didn't mind it much except when the wait for the train was an hour long. I did manage to read two entire books thanks to public transportation so not all hope was lost. I wish I had public transit as an option, I'd totally use it just to read while traveling to and from places. Places like The Top of The Rock.

 

(A view from the top of The Rockefeller Center looking at the Empire State Building.)

My lovely roommate, Jess, helped pass the train waiting time by listening to me talk about lemon squares from Mangolia Bakery (the cupcakes are blecky IMO), how much I adore my family in NY and a ton of random crap that I could find to talk about. Derick's dad came to get him on Sunday and I was so grateful that Jess missed her stand-by flight (twice!) so she could keep me company. If you need an excellent travel partner that goes with the flow, laughs at your stupid jokes and it just a lovely person to be with, get this woman!

(She's super cute also!) 

I coincided this trip to be around when BlogHer was going on even though I have little interest in participating in BlogHer itself. I did, however, want to see some of the people who'd be there. Success! I had the most delicious dinner with Jennie, Jess and a fellow Style Lush blogger, Maura. I got to see the gorgeously pregnant Katie and ate hotel chips with Kristin. I managed to meet a few other bloggers briefly and everyone was pleasant and lovely. I didn't attend any parties or get a swag bag but it's ok, it was really nice to see everyone.

(Seriously, are they not all just the most adorable ladies you've ever seen?)

Before Derick left to go back to his dad's house we squeezed in a few touristy things, time with our family and, to be honest, a few stressful moments. (Teenagers! They require tons of patience! There's your warning!) Derick and one of his cousin's hit it off and are already scheming a plan to get together next summer. This makes me immensely happy for so many reasons. The family members we saw are some of the best parts of my family and I was so happy to see them, spend time with them and make some memories with them.

 
(Me and Derick on the Brooklyn Bridge.)

I already have a mental list going of the places and things I need to do next time I'm in NYC. There are so many things to see, so many things to do and so many vegan and vegetarian places to eat at. I'd have to stay for years to do everything. I'd also have to stay for years to get the subways down. I managed ok for the most part but I'm directionally challenged so I think I only made it by the grace of my GPS on my iPhone.

Also, I have to express my disappointment that there's no free breakfast and coffee every morning here at home and that I can't just walk a few blocks to a locally owned restaurant that serves the best food I've ever tasted. Dallas/Fort Worth, can you get on those things please? Thanks.

Happy Birthday, Bobee

Dear Bobee,

You're THREE YEARS OLD today. I know that parents always say it but time goes so fast. I remember nursing you in the back room at the office and getting up with you in the middle of the night, every night, until you were a year old. I remember being scared you'd fall of the couch and I wouldn't catch you and now you get yourself on and off the couch like it's no big deal.

In May you fell from a third story window. As soon as I got the phone call your Uncle Patrick drove me to get to you and I thought I might lose you forever. How does a baby survive a fall from such heights? That moment that I saw you laying there, not moving, and making that god-awful noise I hope never to hear again, I thought you were forever changed from the little boy I knew. The drive in the ambulance was the worst but when you started talking to me I breathed a sigh of relief. You, my sweet baby boy, walked out of that emergency room many hours later that night.

You're still here to be silly with me and sing ridicolous songs with me. You're here to request to be chased all over the house repeatedly until we're both laughing about it so hard that we can't run. You're here to help me fix my nose ring when it sticks out a little bit, like you did this morning. You're here to pad your little feet into my room in the morning and ask if it's "wake-wake time". You're here to delight in Christmas lights and Tofutti cheese squares. You're HERE and it's SO AWESOME.

In the last year you've learned so many, many things. You're learning to tell jokes and oh boy, it's hilarious. Most of your jokes go like this:

You: Mommy?

Me: Yes, Bobee?

You: POOP!!! POOP!!!! POOP!!!!!!!! (Then you double over in laughter thinking you are the most hilarious joke teller in the history of joke tellers. You're definitely up there with the best of them, I can assure you of that.)

You've learned how to count and I remember the first time you counted to something like 12 and my jaw fell to the floor. How did you learn that?! You know all your colors, although I think you might get a few confused here and there. People comment all the time about how well you speak. You really do have the conversation skills of a much older child. It's probably because you're surrounded by adults who love to talk and talk and talk. It's a wonder you can get a word in edgewise!

This last year has not been without it's, um, challenges. You're so darn stubborn sometimes! We've had some spectacular, wall-peeling, brain-exploding meltdowns. Recently you were being such a heathen that I locked myself in my own room to take a moment to breathe and calm down. Boy were you pissed when you couldn't get in my room! I am becoming the master of bait-and-switch with you. If you're really upset about something I can often times distract you from whatever it is you're focused on and get you to forget how upset you are. I should get a mommy medal!

You're such a lucky kid, too. You've got so many, many people who love and adore you. Every year we've managed to pack around 50 people into a house to celebrate you! I hope that as you grow and get older that you always know how loved you are and how many people are on your side, rooting for you. The list of cheerleaders you have is extraordinary, you are blessed many, many times over.

I have so many wishes for you, my little Bobee. I wish for you to be happy with who you are and where you come from. I wish for you to be healthy. I wish for you to find your passion in life, whatever that may be. I wish for you to be kind and loving and honest. I wish for you to celebrate dozens and dozens and dozens more birthday with the people who love you. I wish for you to be confortable in your own skin. I wish for you to never stop wishing things for yourself and never to stop learning new things and never stop growing and evolving. I wish for you all the things in life you desire.

I love you, my sweet, silly, stubborn little boy. You rank right up there with my top two best things that ever happened to me. You rock my socks off, dude.

I love you, Bobee.

Love,  Mommy

A whirlwind week

It's been a whirlwind week full of family, firsts, sight-seeing, eating a lot and really just having a great time. I took Derick to the airport this morning which means that everyone who came into town for the holidays is officially gone and back at home. I'm filled with a sense of the blues because everyone is so far away. If I could, I'd make everyone move here and stay for good.

This year marks the most amount of people we've had over for Thanksgiving ever. An Aunt flew in from Ohio and her daughter, my cousin, came in from South Carolina. One set of grandparents came from Missouri and another from Austin. Derick came in from Pennsylvania and my Dad's cousins came all the way from England.

I stayed up later than I usually do, often past 2 AM and then got ready the very next day at 8 or 9 AM. I am exhausted and ready to hibernate for a year. But it really was all worth it to see everyone. I didn't get around to writing an "I'm Thankful for..." post so here's my belated list:

• I'm thankful that my family is loud and crazy and chaotic. I wouldn't have them any other way.
• I'm thankful I have the means to fly Derick home on a pretty regular basis. It does my heart good to spend time with him even though he's far away.
• I'm thankful that my dad's cousins accept me and my children despite the fact that we're not blood-related. One of their Aunts did not accept us because of the above reason.
• I'm thankful for the Internet and social media sites so I can keep up with family and friends on a regular basis and also because I've met some amazing people using those avenues.
• I'm thankful that my family has no worries about food shortages or housing or other things some people have to worry about. We really are lucky.
• I'm thankful for the great family and friends I have, you all make me who I am and I truly believe you all make me a better person.

There are thousands of photos from this past week. I've picked a few that I really like.

This was the morning of Thanksgiving with my Aunt and Grandma.

 We couldn't let people go home without having a true Texas experience on a fake bull at Billy Bob's. Yeehaw. 

 
Me and Duvain (and some random guy) at the new Cowboy's stadium. That place is MASSIVE.

The Stockyards.

A little Guitar Hero was in order.

Happy belated Thanksgiving. I hope you and your's had a lovely time.

My son, the teenager

So, Derick's home for Thanksgiving and I couldn't be more excited to have him back, even if for a little while. I wasn't sure if we could arrange his visit here with school and airfare being a jillion dollars but I'm so glad we were able to swing it. He's on an "educational trip" according to his school so his 4 days that he'll miss are excused. He also brought home school work that I intend on cracking the whip about tonight. My Mom managed to find a fairly inexpensive flight for him so I didn't have to sell my kidneys on the black market. So, he's here and I am so glad!

I've already embarrassed him on a grand scale by having yet another sex talk with him. He must hate coming home to his mother talking about sex and condoms and that stupid thing we call responsibility. I don't remember my mom talking to me about sex very often (or I tuned her out, which is possible) so I'm making triple sure that I bring it up often. One, because I want him to know that he can talk to me about this stuff and two, because it's a natural part of life and I don't want sex to be a thing that's so secretive and elusive and only to be seen on HBO late at night. I'm all about the communication.

We've determined that I'm so lame, mom because I listen to music that's so lame. God, I must have been annoying child, I remember having the same exact conversation with my mother. Sorry, Mom! Also, I am super lame about a lot of things. It must be though being a teenager that knows everything. Again, sorry Mom!

It also turns out that sometimes I am not too lame, which is a good thing, for sure. I'm not lame when I accompany Derick into Hollister despite wanting to turn the damn lights on and turn the damn music down so I can hear myself think and see the 16-year-old who's ringing up the expensive sweater that I got swindled into buying. Although I do admit that it wasn't that expensive and I think my kid looks rather dashing in a bright orange hoodie. I'm also not too lame when I watch movies with Derick and he's just as creeped out as I am. We may have alternated between having the lights on and off during the movie. ('I Am Legend', if you're curious.)

He doesn't know that I snooped in his phone this morning to see his text messages. I know, privacy and all that jazz but he's 14 and he's a BOY and he's got a girlfriend and, well, I'm just being cautious. He's in the "I love you" phase with this girl which is funny because they live over a thousand miles apart and I don't understand how you can love someone and choose to live over a thousand miles away. But then I have to remember that he's a TEENAGE BOY and then I get it.

I also get that he's an awesome big brother and Jackson just adores Derick. The sun rises and sets with Derick and it just makes my heart all melty and mushy and I cherish those moments when they are playing and being so sweet with each other and making farting noises and giggling like they have not a care in the world. I love those giggles and the smiles and the belly laughs. It reminds me that I really don't have much to worry about, after all.

Derick is now taller than me officially and I can't deny it. Even though every time he points out that I'm shorter I exclaim that "I'm slouching and not standing up straight, sheesh!" which is really not true. He's taller than me and I knew that day would come where he would look down at his mother and I wouldn't be able to hold him like a baby anymore. He's big enough to grab things off of high shelves for his vertically challenged mom and yet he's still little enough to have to be reminded 800 times to pick up his dirty socks. I'm working on personal hygiene and picking up after himself for his future wife. I hope she appreciates what I'm trying to instill in him.

I'm so glad to have my boys home together at the same time. My house is full of too-loud television, dirty socks and wet bath towels on the floor. It's full of sit-down dinners and text message alerts. It's full of laughs and giggles and loud talking. It's FULL of love and I couldn't be happier or more thankful for this time.