My son, Derick

Today I bought a book that was recommended to me. This quote is THE reason I bought it...

"All parenting turns on a crucial question: to what extent parents should accept their children for who they are, and to what extent they should help them become their best selves."

My child, Derick, is struggling to the millionth degree and today we have a parent/teacher meeting so I can present the school with my son's psychological testing results. He's different that most kids. He's likely different than your kid and he's different my youngest kid and he's just different and I love this about him but I also really, really struggle with his differentness.

He thinks different than almost anyone I know and he makes me see the world in a different light. I feel in awe of his thought process often and, I won't lie, sometimes it makes me absolutely crazy that I formed this person who's just so different and WHY CAN'T WE SEE EYE TO EYE?!

I realize that's not a unique issue with teenage kids. What's unique with Derick is that he's just not doing well. He's in 10th grade for the 3rd time, he's actually supposed to graduate this year but it's definitely not happening. He's been diagnosed with a learning disability (again) along with depression and a few other things. He was diagnosed with a learning disability years ago but the school un-diagnosed him which I'm still confused about but there you have it.

I feel, too often, that I failed him. I can make a very long list of ways I think I failed Derick and what I should have done but didn't. Oh, parent guilt, it's awful, isn't it? But here we are and I can't go backward so we're looking forward and I'm putting together a team of people to help Derick keep thinking differently but also to think in a way that he can graduate high school. I fear changing him too much so he's not himself but I also fear not changing him enough so that he can't be successful. Where's the line that's drawn on those two? How do you reconcile normal and not normal and different and not different? These are my daily questions.

Reading a book isn't going to make the problem go away but maybe it can help me be a better mom to my different kid? Maybe. I just don't know and that not knowing is so hard, really hard. So. Here we are, moving forward and doing our best and fighting for my kid because he deserves to have people fight for him even when he can't fight for himself.

Comments

[HereWeGoAJen]

You are a good mom to your kid. I hope this moving forward is the answer.

[Holly]

I don't have a kid, so I probably can't offer you a single bit of useful advice. But I *can* tell you that I was a mostly good kid growing up and then at about 16 I just turned on a dime and started acting out and being crazy. Totally different than your situation, I realize, and I'm not trying to be particularly comparative except to say that my mom STILL talks about the stress that I caused her during those few years, and almost 20 years later I can't even reconcile while I really struggled the way I did except for the fact that I just really saw the world differently than my parents. And that part of your post really resonated with me.

I think it was a struggle for us most during the end of my high school and early college years and I know there were times when both of my parents were just despondent because all they wanted to do was help and make sure I knew I was loved, and of course at the time they were both thinking "Where the heck did we go wrong?"

In the end though, they didn't go wrong anywhere. They did their best and I did my best, and we just sort of loved each other as fiercely as possible through all of it, and everything unfolded as it should have and life is good. It was a blip on the radar of the life we all shared together, and while it was so so tough in the moment for everyone it all worked out in the end. That is probably a useless story, but I just felt like hugging you and telling you everything would be okay, and of course to tell you what a great mom you are.

The love you have for your boys is just so obvious, even from the tiny window through which I get to see your life. And if books make you feel better, or writing or talking about it makes you feel better then heck, do all of it! (Not that you need anyone's permission) Because in the moment it is tough. And being a parent is tough. And the thought of it scares the hell out of me and excites me all at the same time. You are doing a really hard thing, and you are doing it the best you can no matter things shake out. Not everyone does that, so pat yourself on the back a bit too! xo

[Erica]

That is a really interesting question. Good luck on your quest to find an answer for it.

[CharlieSue]

I have no kids and (appropriately) I have no advice, but I have a SHIT LOAD of love and support that I'm sending your way. Your love and energy as a mom (and person) is incredible. xo

[Heather]

"I fear changing him too much so he's not himself but I also fear not changing him enough so that he can't be successful. Where's the line that's drawn on those two?"

You CANNOT change how Derrick is wired. You CANNOT change how Derrick thinks. I don't mean that you SHOULDN'T, I mean that you PHYSICALLY.CANNOT. So, please, do NOT worry about changing him away from WHO he is.

Derrick's team will help him IDENTIFY who he is, WHY he thinks the way he thinks, why he PROCESSES and RESPONDS the way he does. And then they'll teach him ways to overcome any "hardships" that how-his-brain-works creates. And then they will communicate those ways to you so that you can help frame his world in a way that makes him successful, and teaches him how to do it on his own.

And when it comes down to it, it's good that you and Derrick don't see eye to eye on some stuff :) ...you are an open-minded enough individual that you try to look at the world through his lens, and try to understand him, and allow him to teach you some things. Yet, you still hold him accountable and enforce rules. You are the best mother for Derrick. He wasn't meant for anyone but you. And BECAUSE of you, he will make it.

Love to you always.

[Heather]

P.S. I am sorry that I forced an extra "r" into Derick's name through that entire post (and probably every other time I have ever typed his name to you). It's just that my husband leaves r's off of words all the time, and I'm always looking for a place for those poor forgotten r's. That, and my attention to detail SUCKS.