My Grand Illusions

Happy Birthday Bobee*!!

Today my sweet boy, my youngest son, turns 5 years old. FIVE YEARS OLD HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

(He took a self portrait with my iPhone, smart kid!)

Yesterday I took him to pick out his birthday cake for his class party at school and he had the best time looking at all the photos trying to pick the best one. "Scobby Doo! That's the one I want! Oh wait! Transformers! That's the cake I want! Pokemon! Yes, I'll take that one!" After picking several different cakes he finally settled on a really cool looking dinosaur cake with a fake volcano. As soon as I flipped the page to the dinosaur cake he was sold. "A DINOSAUR CAKE! I want a dinosaur cake please!" I flipped through more pages to see if he'd change his mind and he got very excited about the Spider Man but then promptly said "I still want the dinosaur cake, I'm just looking". Dinosaurs have been a constant in Jackson's short little 5 years. He loves them so much and I got a little excited when I found the coolest dinosaur I'd ever seen to give him.

(At the Dallas Zoo where he was a little afraid of the birds flying around.)

Jackson also loves dragons, especially the Welsh Dragon, Lightning McQueen, his "baby computer", stickers of all kinds and he's really into Scooby Doo also. He's never met a Hot Wheel he didn't like and has them all neatly lined up on his window in his room. He likes all the typical things that boys his age like but it's so cool to see my kid play with those toys.

(Clean and ready for bed in his footy jammies.)

Sometimes Jackson will let out a gerat big sigh and say "I love you, mommy" which just melts my heart as you can imagine it would. He loves to "decorate" his bed with all sorts of blankets, pillows and stuffed animals. Showing of his decorating skills is quite exciting to him. He's my little adventurer and told me last weekend that he wanted to "see the whole world" and I told him I hoped he could see it all. He loves hiking with me and helping me cook while wearing his special apron and standing on his step stool. Going to the movies and chowing down on popcorn is the best to him and he looks forward to "stay at home days" so we can hang out.

(Exploring near our home.) 

He's just such a great kid and I can't believe that I got him as mine. How lucky am I?! I look forward to watching him grow more and more and learn and explore everyday. It's a joy having Jackson as my kid and I couldn't ask for any more.

Happy birthday Jackson! I love you my sweet Bobee!

(Checking out the water by our home. We threw rocks and sticks in the water!)

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Bobee is a nickname that Jackson has had for as long as I can remember. It started as baby boy and morphed it's way into Bobee (rhymes with adobe). I even has his nickname tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. Who knows how long he'll let us call him that but I intend on calling Bobee for as long as possible.

Having a teenager is a challenge of epic proportions

Derick's never been the best in school and he really doesn't like going. He's much like I was when I was a kid. The difference is that he's been tested and it's shown that he's super smart and has the capacity to do excellent in school if he wants to. The 'if he wants to' part is the key. He's definitely capable, no question.

I sent him to live with his dad a few years ago because he was struggling in school and I thought a change of scenery, schools and parents might do him a world of good. Whew boy, was I ever wrong. He moved back home with me this summer and he should have been entering his junior year in high school but because he's so far behind he's still taking freshman and sophomore classes. Some classes he's taking for a 3rd time.

Alright, I thought, we can fix this. Derick was accepted into an accelerated high school that would help him catch up and get back on track and I was so excited for his opportunity. All he had to do was pass his classes for one semester and he'd be ushered right in. He failed 5 of the 7 classes that semester and I never heard from the accelerated school again. You have to be accepted to this school and they don't want kids who don't want to be there. My excitement was squashed.

Derick has had all his privileges taken from him for a while and he said that if he only had all of his privileges he'd work hard to keep them. I call bullshit but OK, let's try it out. Now? He's trying to tell me that a 67 is passing (it's not) and doesn't understand why I'd need to talk to someone about his grades when he swears he's passing. I'm not a dummy and it was quite easy to ask the school counselor if 67 was passing.

Two weeks ago I was alerted to the fact that he was skipping his 4th period class to go to lunch for a second time each day. His excuse was that he was passing that particular class and he was afraid if he kept going he'd screw it up and fail. WTF. What a lame excuse, kid. He'd skipped 9 times that I know of. I was obviously so upset and he said he wouldn't do it again. But. I got a call yesterday saying he's not gone to his 4th period class still. He's been skipping again and now the school is considering calling in a police officer to talk to Derick about the reality that if he's considered truent that he faces juvenile jail time, community service or a fine (that I get to pay). When I talked to the school yesterday I encouraged this meeting. I love this kid more than anything and I think NOT getting into his head how serious these choices are would be the worst thing I could do. He's got to understand the consequences of these choices.

It's hard being a parent, the hardest job in the universe. Why do people chooseto do it? Because at the end of the day Derick is a smart, funny, sweet kid and I adore him most of the time. He's witty and has a silly laugh and knows more about music than I ever did. He calls me mommy sometimes and thanks me on Facebook for bringing him Taco Bell. He's a good kid who is making bad choices and I choose to kick him in the ass until he realizes he's better than this.

Derick, if you ever read this, know that I love you and that's why I yell at you and that's why I want you to get it together and be a productive member of society. I'll do almost anything to help you succeed I just can't do anything until you're ready first.

Oh man! Mommy guilt!

The below post I actually wrote yesterday (Tuesday) but didn't finish it. I thought it would be interesting to see what I wrote while contemplating my delimna and how my thoughts have changed since I put into action my plan to solve this delimna:

So, Jackson started his new school last week and it's going well so far. I don't have much to report except that today is his second day and he didn't refuse to go, so that's a bonus and when I dropped him off this morning he waved at me and turned his back to me to play with the plastic dinosaurs he loves so much. This is a good sign and I should feel good that he seems to enjoy being there and let the mommy guilt go.

BUT I CAN'T.

You see, his old sitter was on the way to the gym so on the days I'd want to go the workout I'd pick him up and take him with me. Granted I'd drop him off at the gym daycare for an hour and go do my thing. But he was so close. Now? His new school is right by our house which means if I go get him and take him to the gym I'd be going backward which is a waste of time and money. Today I'm going to get off work, go the gym alone while he's at school and then go get him and I feel horribly guilty about this.

Someone slap me? Please?

It's not like I'm going to the local bar to do body shots with the regulars. I'm going to workout and take care of myself so I can be healthy and fit and happy. Why is there so much mommy guilt then?

So, that's the post I wrote before I headed out to the gym. As I was driving to my gym I felt awful for making my poor kid wait for me. While I selfishly plugged in my ear buds to my iPod and pushed the 'start' button the treadmill I imagined him waiting by the door with little tears in his eyes just counting the seconds until I walked in the door.

Normally I work out for an hour or a bit more but I allowed myself only 30 minutes because I figured with the rain and traffic that a 30 minute workout would get me sweating and feel like I've done something but I wouldn't be late to pick up Jackson before school closed.

Something interesting happened in those 30 minutes. I worked out harder than I normally do, so much so that I was a red-faced, sweaty mess when I arrived at Jackson's school. As I was running as fast as my legs would take me I kept an eye on the clock almost the entire time but I really took advantage of those precious 30 minutes I'd allotted myself. When my self-appointed time was up I high-tailed it out of there as fast as I could to get to Jackson's school.

I bet you can tell what happened when I got there. He was having a good time and hardly wanted to leave! He was just fine and could have cared less that I didn't get there immediately after work. My guilt was still hanging on, though, and I apologized to his teacher. She just laughed it off and said it was no big deal and that was that.

That was that. Huh. I had taken all that mental time feeling guilty and I had almost talked myself out of even going to the gym. I'm sure glad I didn't. Take THAT mommy guilt!

Mommy blogging

Mommy blogger alert! Mommy blogger alert! Mommy blogger alert!

Derick is flying home in about a week to visit for Thanksgiving. He'll be home for about 10 days and I just cannot wait till he gets here. I haven't seen him since August when I took him to the airport to go back to his dad's house after spending most of the summer with me. Jackson and I have been talking about how Derick's going to get on a plane and come see us. Jackson thinks planes are the coolest thing ever along with his big brother so it's double excitement for him.

I keep hoping that Derick will come home to visit and decide to stay for good but I know that's probably not going to happen. I've resigned myself to the fact that he's thriving at his dad's house and that's really all I can ask for. He's happy and keeps busy and he's likes it. Honestly, he's a teenage boy and let me tell you, those teenage boy things they go through is for the birds. All those wonky hormones and brain miss-firings and farting is a lot for one momma to handle. Not that I couldn't do it, but it's nice to have a man (his dad) to pick up where I left off. He gets the sex talk every time he comes home, though, I've already planned on this talk already. He'll be so embarrassed!

Derick will only be here for 10 days and I'm still not quite certain if he's going to come home for Christmas. The school he's at just doesn't have long holiday breaks like they do here so his time is limited and I can't have him missing a ton of school. I worry he doesn't come home enough. I worry that he's not bonding  enough with his brother, his cousins and his uncles and grandparents.

What they don't tell you in the parenting books is about the worry and the heartache. Or maybe I missed the chapter for divorced parents where it tells you that eventually your kid will choose one parent over the other and that even though you shouldn't take it personally, you do. I missed that particular paragraph in the Dr. Sears book. Maybe that's because I was too busy trying for the Th time to get Derick to tie his shoes correctly so he wouldn't trip and fall on his perfect little nose that looks just like his dad's. Hell, I'm sure that same scenario happens to parents who are still married. Don't kids gravitate toward one parent over the other eventually?

Speaking of a kid who gravitates to one parent. It irks me that Jackson cries for his daddy when I'm doing things like wiping his butt or his nose or whatever else needs wiping. WHAT IS THAT? It's normal, I know, or so they say so. Last weekend Jackson's dad brought him home from being gone all weekend and Jackson was so excited to see me and I was all HUZZAH!, me kid loves me! Then, not two hours later he was whining about his dad and going to his daddy's house.

INHALE. EXHALE.

Derick was very excited about Halloween this year. Jackson was also excited about Halloween. Derick went through a haunted house with some friends and thought it was hilarious that the girls were freaked out and were screaming like, well, girls. Ah, I remember those high school days of screaming and hoping one of the boys would be my hero and rescue me from the un-dead. Jackson was ecstatic about getting "monies". He calls candy money because once his dad told him it cost money to get candy and the word stuck. I promptly put the non-vegan Halloween "monies" in a pile to give away and the rest is in a bag in the freezer for a rainy or particularly crappy day.

That crappy day might come sooner than later, I'm afraid. My kid cannot get this time change business down and it's killing me slowly. We get up around 8 AM on average which is just fine with me. Occasionally the sleep gods will bless me with an 8:30-9:00 AM wake up time. But not these past few weeks. 5:45 AM, 6:30 AM, whenever-he-damned-well-pleases AM. I've tried laying him down with me which ends with a big toe in my nose and then a big smiley face all up in my business saying "is it time to get up mommy? the sun is up, see". It was cute once or twice and now I'm over it. Please kid, let your momma sleep.

Hey! I have an idea! Maybe I can train Jackson to go wake up Derick at 6 AM when he gets here. That'll help with the bonding time I think they need. And bonus ammo to go along with the sex talk we're going to have. Mommy WIN.  

A day in the life...

7:30 AM Jackson woke up, comes into my room and requests "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, come inside it's fun inside" (He always sings the song when requesting to watch this show). I gently ask him to quiet down and come lay down with momma using the excuse that the sun is barely up.

8:00 AM He pokes me in the face enough times so I reluctantly get up and go get him breakfast.

8:05 AM Let the dog out. This actually happens about 793 times throughout the day. I should just put a doggy door in but my lazy quotient is already quite large.

8:06 AM Put away last night's dishes that are now clean from the dishwasher.

8:15 AM Get myself some breakfast and coffee.

8:45 AM Catch up on Internet happenings. It's not a productive 45 minutes because someone is 2-years-old and he needs attention, including a diaper change. Plus my computer/Internet are total crap.

9:30 AM Fold a few loads of laundry that are wrinkly from sitting too long in a basket and in the dryer. Put away some of these clothes.

10:00 AM Leave the house for an emergency run to Target. The dog's out of food. Proper pet-ownership dictates that I feed her.

12:00 PM Leave Target with MUCH more than just dog food.

12:20 PM Arrive home, unload the car, put away recently purchased stuff all while Jackson is under my feet begging to eat "something else".

12:25 PM Sit Jackson down with lunch that he refuses to eat to which I reply "Well I guess you won't be eating lunch then, huh?". He then eats his lunch begrudgingly and I finish putting away stuff that I just bought. Some stuff I don't even remember buying. Target does that to me. Stuff just jumps into my cart I swear.

12:45 PM Lay Jackson down for his one and only nap that I hope he never ever stops taking. I make my own lunch and watch an episode of What Not To Wear. I've already seen the episode so I don't mind fast-forwarding through most of it.

1:30 PM Nap time for momma. I am a napper and I almost always take a nap when Jackson does. I could be doing things like Windexing the windows or scrubbing the toilet but I choose sleep almost every time. I think we should have mandatory nap times in the workplace. People would surely be less cranky.

2:30 PM Fold a few items of laundry. Contemplate throwing away all the clothes and starting over with new stuff. Stuff that's already folded.

3:00 PM Snack time.

3:10 PM MORE LAUNDRY. WHEN DOES IT END?

3:30 PM Paint with Jackson. His first time painting and he made a huge mess. It was awesome. We only lasted 15 minutes before he tried to eat the paint.  

3:45 PM Put together a wire shelving system thing. Jackson "helped" by pretending it was a a spaceship.

4:15 PM Quit putting together the wire shelving system because it's a stupid piece of crap. Kept it half assembled so Jackson could keep playing with it. Now he is pretending it's a bunker to hide behind so he can throw plastic bowling pins that explode when they hit the ground. Decided I'd just bite the bullet and get a proper Container Store closet system.

4:40 PM Took apart wire shelving system and cursed Target the whole time.

5:00 PM Started the dinner process. Vegetarian Pho.

6:00 PM Eat dinner with Jackson at the table. Scold him for picking out the vegetables that I added. He rolls his eyes at me and I curse whoever taught him to not like vegetables under my breath.

6:45 PM Clean kitchen. This requires putting dirty dishes away, wiping down the counter and putting away all the ingredients from dinner. Have not perfected a system where the kitchen cleans itself. I'll save that for tomorrow.

7:05 PM Pack lunches for Jackson and I for tomorrow.

7:10 PM Take out trash and recycling in the rainy cold. My #1 hated house chore.

7:20 PM Decide I need to make pumpkin puree. Cut pumpkins in half, scope out the seeds and roast them in the oven. I needed a machete to cut them open but I didn't have one so I use a bread knife, chef's knife, an old crappy knife and a screw driver. Almost cut my hand off. Mental note: buy smaller pumpkins next time.

7:45 PM Talk on the phone with a friend about all sorts of things ranging from homemade pumpkin butter, to flirting, to a girl's weekend that we need to plan. (Jackson's dad was over at my house so he put Jackson to bed.)

8:45 PM Am forced off the phone by a crying child who keeps getting up and requesting all sorts of things. More water, another blankie, spin his night light lampshade, blah, blah, blah. Make him cry more by threatening to turn his night light off. This works like a charm.

9:00 PM Puree pumpkins in the blender. Dump into freezer bags. Let cool on counter. 

9:10 PM Sit on my butt and watch television while eating some of Jackson's Halloween candy. Damn.

11:00 PM Decided I've watched enough television for the night.

11:05 PM Put pureed pumpkin in the freezer. Do one last sweep of the kitchen to see if I can clean anything else. Realize that the kitchen is still a mess despite my cleaning it.

11:10 PM Head to bed to read my book.

11:45 PM Lights out!

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Things I didn't get done today:

Plant a few plants in the garden due to the weather.

Put away all of the laundry.

Sweep the floor.

Take a shower. I know.

Finding that balance

If I could wish away all the candy and junk food in the world I would, in two seconds flat. Then I wouldn't have to worry about my toddler or teenager gorging themselves silly and then not eating a healthy dinner. Last night I went with Jackson and his Dad to a fall festival at a local church and even though there were veggie hot dogs (yay!) for us to eat, Jackson only wanted brightly colored cupcakes and anything that was wrapped in shiny, crinkly paper that tasted like artificial flavors and colors. 

Since Jackson eats a mostly* vegan diet I probably stress over this stuff more than your average parent. One of the reasons I changed our diet was for health reasons. I don't want to have to cure a disease, or diseases, when our diet can preventa whole host of medical problems down the road. I realize that having a cupcake here and there, or a sucker at the doctor's office** isn't going to automatically cause my children to have a coronary. This is where my struggle is.

I know that when children aren't fed certain foods that they can get them else ware. I rarely make anything fried, maybe twice a year, and yet Derick manages to eat all fried foods at school. If it's fried, battered or looks nothing like real food then he makes a beeline for it. It's what kids do. I don't feed Jackson candy and yet somehow he already knows what it is and is well adept at getting it. I know I can't control everything and I honestly don't want to control my children and their eating like that.

I do, however, want to instill the importance of a diet rich in whole foods that don't come with a bar code or shiny packages. I want them to learn how to properly cook a meal for themselves that doesn't involve open package, peel back plastic wrap, turn microwave on, enjoy. That's not to say I don't eat a frozen bean burrito on occasion, but I know how to make my own bean burrito from scratch (tortilla, beans and all the toppings) and I want them to learn the same things and understand the importance of such a lesson.

I realize that I sound like one of thosemothers. One of those mothers who's kid will end up in intensive therapy later in life saying to his therapist "I just wanted a damn sucker for christ sake" and the therapist will say "You're mom's insane, that'll be $200, please." But I also know there are worse things to get my kid to seek professional help.

I just have to find that balance between crazy mother and normal mother. I think most mother's are seeking for the same thing. Or at least I hope so.

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*I say he eat a mostly vegan diet because I'm certain he's given non-vegan things when I'm not around.

** Why do doctor's offices have suckers?! You'd think they'd have the prime opportunity for fostering healthy habits and they choose to serve sugar-laden crap. Ugh.