I am surrounded by a million things to be happy about. I'm a newlywed, my husband should be immigrating in just a few short months (I hope!), my family is in good health, my boys are good kids that love me and make me smile, I have some of the very best friends you can ask for, I don't want for much of anything. And yet...
Last weekend I snapped at my mom about something that was a terrible thing to snap at her about and I felt so guilty afterward. Lately I've been going to bed really early...8:30 pm early but then I wake up randomly not able to sleep and toss and turn all night long. I make plans to see friends and family to do things and I just dread having to go and have considered cancelling each time. I'm sure I've been snappy and moody at my loved ones more often than normal. And I just feel like I don't belong in my own skin. It's the worst. This little feeling of dread just lingers everyday and I can't put my finger on why.
A history of depression is in my family and I've always know about it. It's no secret and the women who suffer from it are very open and honest about it which makes it much easier when I realize I'm slipping away into that depression myself. One of the women in my family has suffered with depression for perhaps longer than I've been alive. She fell to a very bottomless pit and managed to get well and function again and you'd never know that she's got even the smallest amount of depression. She's my hero in a thousand ways and this way especially.
After I'd snapped at my mom I started to thinking, "Oh maybe I'm just tired" which lead to the realization that I've had very little energy and motivation to do anything these days. I haven't exercised, really, in months. Eating well is a low priority and I've gained a few pounds which always sucks. Then I went on to think about my movie plans later than evening with a friend and how much I just really wanted to cancel even though I was the one who initiated those plans and BAM! it hit me.
I've done this before.
Despite all these wonderful happy things and having a pretty darn good life if I do say so myself sometimes you just can't beet depression, it's not picky about who it chooses. Depression doesn't look at you and say "You're a pretty neat lady and you've got it made...I'll pass on you today". Nope, it just quietly tip toes in and makes its self at home. What a jerk move, huh?
Without hesitation I scheduled a doctors appointment and spent a good chunk of time talking to my doctor who is just so wonderful and patient and understanding. She prescribed exercise, "Let those endorphins work for you!", she said and she also gave me a prescription for an anti depressant. I have a three week trial period to see how things work for me and my doctor is confident that I'll be my old self in no time.
In the meantime I wanted to share my not-so-unique story to all of the Internet because I want to tell anyone who's struggling or suffering that it's OK to ask for help. It's ok to lean on your family and friends and your doctors now and again.
I apologized to my mother, told my best friend and had a long conversation with my husband about my feelings and how it was affecting me. They were all supportive and wonderful and with the aid of some much-needed exercise, their support and a little medication I think I'll be back to appreciating all these wonderful things I've got in my life...just like I should be doing.
I'm ready to be happy again and I'll do whatever it takes to get there.
I've never commented here before, but I follow you on Twitter. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. But thank you for spelling out WHAT you're feeling. I've had some of those feelings, too, and I've wondered what it meant. This definitely gives me something to think about. I hope you find your happy again soon. (And I hope your husband gets here soon, too.)
Posted by: A. | Oct 23, 2012 at 02:15 PM
Glad you know you are not alone & that you have a support system. It's a hard, bumpy road..but worth it.
Posted by: Sunshine | Oct 23, 2012 at 02:16 PM
Kristie,
I'm so, so glad you're getting help. It's going to lift, I promise. The exercise will be a HUUUUUGE help. HUGE. And cut yourself some slack, you've had a lot of good things happen in recent months, but they're still very significant changes and you have to adapt to them. You recognized that things weren't right and you got help. That's awesome. You are a strong lady and you will feel better soon.
XO
Posted by: Nic | Oct 23, 2012 at 02:17 PM
I feel like I could have written this. I've been a mess myself lately (starting to snap out of it now, I think!) and it's so easy to be hard on ourselves over it, isn't it? Thank you for sharing this with us. It's good for you and it's a great reminder to all of us who "sink" sometimes. I hate to hear that you've been in that difficult state of mind, but the plus side is how beautifully and openly you're handling it. You're so loved and I know you'll feel like your real self very soon. <3 Love you!
Posted by: Abs | Oct 23, 2012 at 02:18 PM
Everything about this is SO right and SUCH an excellent reminder. I'm sorry you're feeling rough right now and I'm sorry that it's been a bad few weeks. But I'm also thrilled that you can see the tiny light which reminds you that there is a blanket over you right now and it's OK and it HAPPENS and you'll be better again. I'm sending you all sorts of get-well-soon vibes and hoping that the exercise and RX will help you to feel happy and fun and like YOU again in just a few short weeks. xo
Posted by: CharlieSue | Oct 23, 2012 at 02:19 PM
I'm so glad you were able to get help quickly. I remember the feeling of relief when I realized there was a fixable reason I was so overwhelmed, snappish, and tired. I hope you're back to normal soon.
Posted by: Jesabes | Oct 23, 2012 at 02:31 PM
I've been there, and it sucks, but you have a great support system, a doctor who listens to you, and a plan--this is a HUGE step. You can get back to feeling awesome, I know it.
Be easy on yourself--depression is a jerk, no matter how happy you think you SHOULD be, depression doesn't care, and it's not your doing or your fault. Be kind to yourself since depression isn't!
Posted by: Ginger | Oct 23, 2012 at 02:36 PM
I adore the heck out of you, you know this, and I'm here whenever you need (and to drag you to ridiculous things that you might not want to go to at first, but you'll be laughing your socks off at by the end).
Except donuts that aren't donuts. Never again for that. :-)
I love you.
Posted by: Jennie | Oct 23, 2012 at 02:50 PM
Thanks so much for sharing this...I think the more open we are about it, the easier it gets down the line. And it's important to share the signs, besides just feeling 'sad'. People don't realize that not wanting to do things, or weird sleeping patterns are signs of depression (and there are so many more!). I'm glad you're getting the help you need because you're so fabulous and your light must shine :)
Feel better, friend.
Posted by: ant danielle | Oct 23, 2012 at 03:02 PM
You are so brave and self aware to take action and get back into your groove! Awesome!
Posted by: Steff | Oct 23, 2012 at 03:32 PM
Thank you for sharing this, so openly, so honestly and so eloquently. I haven't been on medication in years (and have been thinking I might need to) but I remember so clearly breaking down in my Dr's office while being seen for my 3rd round of strep throat and the poor physician looking terrified at this poor, crying 22 year old girl. It helped though. I might need to do it again.
Good luck to you!
Posted by: Sarah Anne | Oct 23, 2012 at 04:09 PM
Thank you for sharing...i am on my sixth year of a clinical depression diagnosis, and it helps to know you aren't the only one going through it. You will feel beyer soon!
Posted by: Rebecca | Oct 23, 2012 at 04:40 PM
I think this time of year is SO hard. I am hearing this from many corners of the internet lately and I know I had my fair share of rough times right around now. Something about the dying of the light? I don't know, but I think it's common.
And I think it's also SO hard to have your husband so far away. I know it's just temporary but when your partner and your love is not with you, it's the pits. I am hoping you feel better soon, though. I am sending you hugs now and I will be giving you hugs in person in TWO WEEKS! Hang in there, lady, I am crazy about you and I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by: Elizabeth | Oct 23, 2012 at 06:15 PM
I've been there, and taking the first step to get help is so, SO hard. Congratulations to you for reaching out to your friends, family and doctor. I really hope that you see some improvements soon, because feeling flat, numb, and snippy all the time is no way to be.
Posted by: Dawn | Oct 23, 2012 at 10:35 PM
I have found exercise to be so incredibly helpful. It truly saves me. Good luck shaking the funk.
Posted by: Erica | Oct 23, 2012 at 10:43 PM
This is Kristie's mom. What wonderful supportive friends she has. Thank you all for caring so much. Like so many of you said, when you recognize the symptoms of depression please seek help. You don't have to go it alone.
Posted by: Le Moore | Oct 24, 2012 at 12:35 AM
Oh Kristie. I'm so behind in my blog reading. So behind! I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner.
You are the best, you are lovely and you deserve to be the happiest of happy. I'm so glad you are working on getting back to that.
xo
Posted by: Purplelara | Oct 28, 2012 at 12:52 PM
Oh goodness, I am so behind on my reader. But my goodness, I am so happy/proud for you for #1 stepping out of the dark fog that depression can be and getting help and #2 sharing this experience with others. You are a fantastic woman and I can't wait till you feel back to your fabulous self. You have so many great things waiting for you when you on the other side. Hang in there honey :)
Posted by: Sensibly Sassy | Nov 06, 2012 at 01:39 PM