I am surrounded by a million things to be happy about. I'm a newlywed, my husband should be immigrating in just a few short months (I hope!), my family is in good health, my boys are good kids that love me and make me smile, I have some of the very best friends you can ask for, I don't want for much of anything. And yet...
Last weekend I snapped at my mom about something that was a terrible thing to snap at her about and I felt so guilty afterward. Lately I've been going to bed really early...8:30 pm early but then I wake up randomly not able to sleep and toss and turn all night long. I make plans to see friends and family to do things and I just dread having to go and have considered cancelling each time. I'm sure I've been snappy and moody at my loved ones more often than normal. And I just feel like I don't belong in my own skin. It's the worst. This little feeling of dread just lingers everyday and I can't put my finger on why.
A history of depression is in my family and I've always know about it. It's no secret and the women who suffer from it are very open and honest about it which makes it much easier when I realize I'm slipping away into that depression myself. One of the women in my family has suffered with depression for perhaps longer than I've been alive. She fell to a very bottomless pit and managed to get well and function again and you'd never know that she's got even the smallest amount of depression. She's my hero in a thousand ways and this way especially.
After I'd snapped at my mom I started to thinking, "Oh maybe I'm just tired" which lead to the realization that I've had very little energy and motivation to do anything these days. I haven't exercised, really, in months. Eating well is a low priority and I've gained a few pounds which always sucks. Then I went on to think about my movie plans later than evening with a friend and how much I just really wanted to cancel even though I was the one who initiated those plans and BAM! it hit me.
I've done this before.
Despite all these wonderful happy things and having a pretty darn good life if I do say so myself sometimes you just can't beet depression, it's not picky about who it chooses. Depression doesn't look at you and say "You're a pretty neat lady and you've got it made...I'll pass on you today". Nope, it just quietly tip toes in and makes its self at home. What a jerk move, huh?
Without hesitation I scheduled a doctors appointment and spent a good chunk of time talking to my doctor who is just so wonderful and patient and understanding. She prescribed exercise, "Let those endorphins work for you!", she said and she also gave me a prescription for an anti depressant. I have a three week trial period to see how things work for me and my doctor is confident that I'll be my old self in no time.
In the meantime I wanted to share my not-so-unique story to all of the Internet because I want to tell anyone who's struggling or suffering that it's OK to ask for help. It's ok to lean on your family and friends and your doctors now and again.
I apologized to my mother, told my best friend and had a long conversation with my husband about my feelings and how it was affecting me. They were all supportive and wonderful and with the aid of some much-needed exercise, their support and a little medication I think I'll be back to appreciating all these wonderful things I've got in my life...just like I should be doing.
I'm ready to be happy again and I'll do whatever it takes to get there.