Derick's never been the best in school and he really doesn't like going. He's much like I was when I was a kid. The difference is that he's been tested and it's shown that he's super smart and has the capacity to do excellent in school if he wants to. The 'if he wants to' part is the key. He's definitely capable, no question.
I sent him to live with his dad a few years ago because he was struggling in school and I thought a change of scenery, schools and parents might do him a world of good. Whew boy, was I ever wrong. He moved back home with me this summer and he should have been entering his junior year in high school but because he's so far behind he's still taking freshman and sophomore classes. Some classes he's taking for a 3rd time.
Alright, I thought, we can fix this. Derick was accepted into an accelerated high school that would help him catch up and get back on track and I was so excited for his opportunity. All he had to do was pass his classes for one semester and he'd be ushered right in. He failed 5 of the 7 classes that semester and I never heard from the accelerated school again. You have to be accepted to this school and they don't want kids who don't want to be there. My excitement was squashed.
Derick has had all his privileges taken from him for a while and he said that if he only had all of his privileges he'd work hard to keep them. I call bullshit but OK, let's try it out. Now? He's trying to tell me that a 67 is passing (it's not) and doesn't understand why I'd need to talk to someone about his grades when he swears he's passing. I'm not a dummy and it was quite easy to ask the school counselor if 67 was passing.
Two weeks ago I was alerted to the fact that he was skipping his 4th period class to go to lunch for a second time each day. His excuse was that he was passing that particular class and he was afraid if he kept going he'd screw it up and fail. WTF. What a lame excuse, kid. He'd skipped 9 times that I know of. I was obviously so upset and he said he wouldn't do it again. But. I got a call yesterday saying he's not gone to his 4th period class still. He's been skipping again and now the school is considering calling in a police officer to talk to Derick about the reality that if he's considered truent that he faces juvenile jail time, community service or a fine (that I get to pay). When I talked to the school yesterday I encouraged this meeting. I love this kid more than anything and I think NOT getting into his head how serious these choices are would be the worst thing I could do. He's got to understand the consequences of these choices.
It's hard being a parent, the hardest job in the universe. Why do people chooseto do it? Because at the end of the day Derick is a smart, funny, sweet kid and I adore him most of the time. He's witty and has a silly laugh and knows more about music than I ever did. He calls me mommy sometimes and thanks me on Facebook for bringing him Taco Bell. He's a good kid who is making bad choices and I choose to kick him in the ass until he realizes he's better than this.
Derick, if you ever read this, know that I love you and that's why I yell at you and that's why I want you to get it together and be a productive member of society. I'll do almost anything to help you succeed I just can't do anything until you're ready first.
I'm sorry. That is so hard. Teenagers are so difficult and they won't listen to anyone and think that they know best. It can be extremely frustrating.
Is there anyone on campus that would follow him around, and make sure he has his planner, HW, and is going to his classes? Maybe this person could be a mentor? Maybe it could a tutor/student that you pay?
Maybe the reigns have to be really tightened, it seems like you've already done this with the privileges. Maybe every night he has to call you with what HW is due, what chapters he has to read, and his grade average? Once he does this consistently for a week, then you could cut back, until he's learned responsibility....
What would motivate him? Can he write a list of 5 things that he wants? Could you find a reward for every week, maybe a delayed gratification of a semester is too long?
In SPED, there is a class called content mastery that the kids go to complete classwork, projects, and HW assignments. I'm not sure if he would qualify because his IQ is too high.
What about high school through correspondence or online?
Posted by: Natalie | Jan 25, 2012 at 01:01 PM
Oh Kristie, I wish I had something helpful to say. My husband made some spectacularly bad choices in high school and as a result he is finally finishing college now. (He didn't even start college until after we were married.) But even with his experiences and as much as his brothers (both teenagers) look up to him, he couldn't talk either of them out of going down that same road.
Good luck with all this!
Posted by: Elsha | Jan 25, 2012 at 01:05 PM
I'm not a mom of a teenager yet (although I'm terrified for the day that's finally here), but you are absolutely doing the right things. I simply adore the both of you, and I'm so sorry this frustration hangs heavy right now. It might now feel this way, but you are doing a good job, the right things. The bottom line is you care, and you're there, and you're in the fight. Nothing stands a chance against that.
I just want you to know I'm here to support both of you with anything I can, even if that's just some good thoughts sent your way. Of course, I'm always available to put a little Fear of God in the boy should you need that, too. :)
Posted by: Julie | Jan 25, 2012 at 01:42 PM
In our school district you would already have been before a judge for his being truant. Sprog had the flu and his fracking father FORGOT to turn in his slip even though I REMINDED HIM. EVEN THOUGH I CALLED THE DAMN SCHOOL and I got a letter that if he missed one more day of the semester I was going to court.
Not that this is an ideal solution but have you thought about calling it and letting him get his GED and then enrolling him in a technical school or art school? Something where he would actually apply himself?
I don't know, I hate that suggestion but I don't want him getting any further down, you know?
Posted by: Raven | Jan 25, 2012 at 01:44 PM
I never skipped a single class until college. I don't know if I was too scared or what. And it wasn't because I was a nerdy braniac. I think I was probably just scared of my dad.
I'm sorry that this is happening. It does sound like you don't really have any other choice but tough love or scaring him straight. Good luck with whatever happens. Come on D! Quit making your mom stress out. You can do this.
Posted by: Carrisa | Jan 25, 2012 at 02:41 PM
Thank you ALL for the support. It's been a real challenge and I've got some big decisions to make in the coming days/weeks and months. I'm not sure what's the best path for Derick right now but whatever it is I hope he gets his act together and soon.
Posted by: Kristie | Jan 25, 2012 at 07:13 PM
oh goodness, hang in there honey. Derick is so lucky to have a mom like you.You are so right though, he needs to realize how amazing he is for everything to click into place. I am holding you all in my heart hoping that this time comes soon!
Posted by: sensibly sassy | Feb 01, 2012 at 10:12 PM